I will be honest I still have moments where I ask myself if I can do this. I have a 7 year old who says every single day, tomorrow I am going on the bus and going to go to school. I wish she could, I really do. But we tried it, it didn't work out, she wasn't learning anything at school, she learns more at home. Her anxiety went through the roof at school, she just couldn't handle it. Another of our kids is above grade level in reading, but struggles with fine motor and is not potty trained yet at age 7, because of this our local school wanted to bus him to a different school and have him in a class with kids grades k-5. There is no way I am going to allow that. I homeschooled our oldest four kids who have no special needs and loved it, homeschooling our kids with special needs is a love hate relationship. I do it because I know they are learning more at home, I know they are safe, and no one will bully them. I homeschool them because recess at public school is not nearly long enough, especially for two of our kids who have ADHD. I homeschool them because they need to be with other kids their ages, not stuck in a class with kids grades K-5. I homeschool them because they need direct guidance and in our school district they dont get it (they wont give them an aid or para) and there is little to no inclusion here. My two girls who are almost 18, adopted at age 13, will retain things for a day or two and then we are back to square one. There are days that I feel like I am beating my head against a rock, because I am teaching the same thing over and over and over and over before it clicks, and sometimes no matter how many times I try, it just doesn't click. I don't like to admit I am failing, I don't believe in giving up, but sometimes I have to accept that some skills just might not be possible for all of our kids. My oldest four kids learned things easily and each day was fresh and new and fun. I loved learning along with our oldest four.
I don't get that same joy from teaching our six kids at home. There are many moments of joy, but it is not constant. There is a lot of repetition, a LOT.
One of our older girls has zero executive functioning skills. If the answer to the problem can not be solved with their first try, instead of trying something new, they keep trying the thing that didn't work. We have been working on this since 2014. We have still not progressed. According to the neuropsych eval we had for her, it looks like it is just the way she is, and while we can work with her to remember what to do, the follow through on her part just doesn't happen. We can teach her again and again to ask questions, get help, when she does not know what to do or understand. She can recite that she needs to get help or ask questions. But in the moment, she forgets.
One of our other older girls has good executive functioning skills but has lower social and emotional skills and is not able advance in school work much more than where we are at (preK-early 1st grade skills). She has come a LONG way since she first came home, has learned SO much! But we are reaching a point where we are nearing her academic limits.
Our two 7 year olds are doing well. They learn things much easier than our older girls. However they still struggle with fine motor and one of them still struggles with potty training (looking into issues with a tethered cord which could be causing it). There is still more repetition needed than was needed for our oldest four kids, but we are seeing regular gains.
Our two with FASD and ADHD have different struggles. Reading is a challenge for our 6 year old because her auditory processing skills are too low to be able to sound out words and she has trouble with her memory. With our 8 year old, he struggles with reading for a different reason, he struggles because his ADHD is so severe that he end up guessing at all the words rather than taking time to sound them out. Our 6 year old is doing well in math, however our 8 year old has a hard time, even with the simple problems. One thing we have done is getting an abacus to help him.
Auditory processing is a big struggle for all six kids, so learning about history, geography, science, etc, is something we have to go over and over. It can sometimes feel mind numbing to have to read the same thing again and again. Sometimes watching a video of what we have read helps, somethings acting it out helps, sometimes making a craft helps. But it is very rare to have something stick the first time.
And then we have moments like this...
There are the fun times when we bake things together and we work on cooking skills. There are fun times when we make crafts and I notice that cutting skills are getting better. There are wonderful moments when handwriting seems to be progressing. Or when we have company over and they proudly show off what they have done and talk about what they have learned. One of our kids who has ADHD never showed they were learning anything until they went with friends to the science museum and ended up talking all about what I had taught them about King Tut, Egypt, the Nile River, and so much more.
Today we went on a walk and because we had talked about clouds a few months back I was asked what kind of clouds were in the sky, so they are learning, just at their own pace. And that is ok. I just have to remind myself that I am not "failing" because they are not learning faster, or even sometimes not learning what I am trying to teach them. Everyone in the world has limits. And while we have limits we have things that make us uniquely us. Each one of our kids has their own wonderful skills and personalities and strengths. They shine in their own way.
This post in no way means that I do not love our children and accept them for who they are. I love them very much and love them no matter what goals they reach. I just wanted to share that I am human too, and it isn't always easy. I get a lot of comments from people saying wow you are doing great, etc. However, I am just as human as the next person and I struggle just as much as everyone else. We have a lot of really good days, and other times we just need to step back and take a break because we are all feeling overwhelmed. I want those reading to know we are real. We have days where things are going well and other days when kids are having meltdowns, or just can not sit still and focus. I taught my oldest four kids and then I taught school for many many years before we adopted our youngest six kids.
Now I am having to learn another way of teaching. One that involves a lot more time on the same materials, and I am having to get more creative in how I teach. I am so proud of all that our kids have learned so far. Some days are just harder than others because I end up feeling like I am the one failing them for not being able to teach better so they learn more. Then I have to take a moment and remind myself that I can't compare them to children I have taught before because they just are going to go at their own pace, and that is ok.
And while sometimes it seems like it would just be easier to send them to public school, then I would miss all this wonder and magic.
It's a process to learn our children's abilities as well as their inabilities. It's a process to understand how to get through to each of our children, in their own ways. And it's a process to accept where we are, where we might forever stay. Know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, I appreciate this honest post. I am going through a time of discouragement, myself, right now regarding home schooling and life training my ONE natural born son. So, while some things may be magnified, especially in your girls who were adopted at 13, there are so many issues that just seem to come with the territory of having an extra chromosome.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I can't explain why from a medical standpoint, a child w DS is born with some degree of brain damage which cannot be reversed. There are actual difference in the brains of persons with DS: lower brain weight; smaller frontal lobes, brainstem, and cerebellum; and less white matter. They have also been found to have smaller dendritic arborization and fewer synapses, which results in reduced functional brain connectivity. My son is very social and engaged with people and his verbal communication skills are good. He is also a very good reader, yet he has poor auditory processing, limited working memory, poor retention, cannot reason or make logical connections, and doesn't know what is socially appropriate behavior for a 13 year old. He also has several stimming behaviors (some involving his hands and certain objects as well as verbal stimming), ADHD behaviors, poor impulse control, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. To me, the stimming with objects is okay if he is watching a DVD or having down time, but I don't allow it if he is watching an educational DVD or I'm reading something to him or verbally instructing him. The verbal stimming gets old very fast when it takes place in the car or van... rhythmic repetitive chanting, whether it is intelligible or unintelligible--makes us feel like we are going to lose our minds! LOL! The ADHD behaviors are moderately frustrating, because his constant snatching of something to fiddle with and/or body fidgeting makes him inattentive to the instruction I'm giving him during our home schooling time or to the instruction of other teachers or therapists. The poor auditory processing, limited working memory, poor retention, and inability to reason or make logical connections make home schooling VERY CHALLENGING... this is our 3rd or 4th year of doing 1st grade math, and 1st grade level writing, and 1st/2nd grade language arts and grammar and spelling. I feel like all I am doing is re-teaching the same things over and over and over, year after year! I long to see him retaining those things and moving on to slightly more advanced math, language arts, grammar, spelling and writing. To be able to move into 2nd grade math would be really awesome! To have him expressively writing at a 2nd grade level and correctly spelling most of the words he writes and remembering to begin each sentence with a capital and end with a period would be such a delight! To be able to have him mostly independently write a short paragraph about whatever we study in science or history, like the first picture you posted above and color a picture nicely and sensibly would be a dream come true!
But it is the obsessive-compulsive behaviors are the MOST CHALLENGING! When he repeatedly peels wallpaper off the bathroom wall, or turns on all the lights in the kitchen and dining room and living room, or turns up the thermostat, or makes holes in the heels of all his socks, or spits on the floor or furniture, etc, no matter how many times we've told him NOT to do those things, it is hard not to get very upset with him.
ReplyDeleteBut when he gets up in the middle of the night and steals off-limits food--from the fridge and/or fridge freezer, cupboards, or his older brother's lunchbox that is packed for work--and eats it... Or, when he wakes up in the morning, after his brother has already left for work and pulls a chair up to their bedroom closet and gets his brother's snack box (with it's KEEP OUT sign) off the high top shelf and consumes almost an entire pack of lemon oreo cookies or an entire box of chewy chocolate dips granola bars!!! That is when I feel like I am at my wits end! This child that I've endeavored to keep gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free (as much as I possibly can). And NOTHING we say or do will stop him from doing it again the next time he has a chance!!! Not punishments, not consequences, not privileges revoked, not KEEP OUT signs, not "Mom sermons," not Biblical instruction, not even prayers and tears!!! Nothing has stopped the food stealing and bingeing. He may go several days, a week, or even a couple weeks, but then he will be back at it again. He just doesn't seem to get it that his sin will ALWAYS be FOUND OUT and that there will ALWAYS be unpleasant consequences!!! He foolishly repeats this offense again and again and again!!!
We never had a problem like this with any of his 8 older siblings. I don't want to think that he just has such a stubborn, hardened heart that he is simply refusing to repent and heed our correction. He doesn't evidence a hardened, unrepentant heart in other areas. I don't know what else to blame except no impulse control and obsessive-compulsive behavior stemming from that extra 21st chromosome. Do all children with DS do this type of thing? Some do, but certainly not all. There are those who seem to have more ability to use reason and self-control than my son. But our son cannot be left alone, because he cannot be trusted! This will affect his future in a BIG way! He will not be able to live independently! He will be limited to a job where he can be constantly supervised! Would I take this and all the other negative effects of that extra 21st chromosome away, if I could? You betcha I would!!!
So, sometimes it helps to know that other parents also struggle. And to be encouraged not to give up, because the struggle is real, but our T21 kids are worth the struggle, and eventually our frustration and tears and hard work will pay off and they will make progress, even if it is not as much progress as we wish.
Anna K.