Saturday, May 19, 2012

Overwhelming Emotions

All my life I have been very in touch with my emotions, but by the time I was about 8 years old, I had almost given up crying, about anything.
I still remember being about 9 years old and riding my bike home from the little EZ Shop that sold little candies, the side walk was broken and my bike fell in the dip and I went tumbling down with it. I ended up landing on some broken glass and cut my arm up by my elbow pretty bad. (bad enough that I still have the scar today) I was still about half a mile from home so I jumped on my bike and took off riding. I remember the stinging pain, but I sucked back the tears. I did NOT want to cry. I rode home as fast as I could go all the while chocking back tears. My friends Aaron and David were outside and started calling me to come play when they saw me. I wanted to answer them, but I knew if I opened my mouth at all, I would burst into tears. Now, I grew up in the deep south (Louisiana) and to ignore someone was NOT ok with me, but it was either start crying or not say a word. I ended up not saying anything, and feeling horrible and worried they might think I was rude. After I was all bandaged up I went over and told them I was sorry for not answering right away but I had to hurry home.

I remember other times where a friend and I would get into an argument, or something else would happen but through it all, I never wanted to cry in front of others.

Fast forward... to the present day. Someone donates to help get Sydney and Lucien home and I feel overwhelmed with emotions, watch someone's video of the first time they saw their child or the day they picked up their child from the orphanage, or their home-coming, and I am a blubbering mess.
I have never cried so much in my life as I have lately. I have tried to understand the hows and whys. Why did I not cry so much when my own children were born?? Why am I crying so much now??

Maybe it is because after years on this Earth, sometimes your belief in others is less than perfect. In fact, sometimes you get so use to people letting you down and disappointing you, you start to give up on people. You start to think that maybe the only one you can count on is yourself. You start to try to do it all by yourself, only to discover that if God wanted us to be in this world alone, we would be hard wired differently, because, for the most part, people do not want to be truly alone.  We seek companionship. And sure that is something to cry about. Only... that isn't where the tears are coming from. The tears are coming from hope. It is coming almost in the form of a rebirth. A rebirth of faith in humanity. A faith in others. Almost all my life I have had to take care of me, and I could not count on others to help me. When I met my husband, I was amazed that there were people  like him. But I did not think that there were very many, if any, other people that really cared. Until now.
Friends, you overwhelm me. Your unselfish giving, praying, caring overwhelms me. I wish I had a wonderful way with words and could tell you exactly how thankful, grateful, and humbled I am. But I am no poet or writer. But it is beyond words.I have had people who have known I was worried about something, or just nervous about something and they would say "Call me". These are not people I have known forever, but just people who honestly care about orphans, Reece's Rainbow, Sydney and Lucien, and somehow, I got in the middle of all that and they care about ME! I have had people who have set up fundraisers for Sydney and Lucien, helped spread the word for us, set up auctions, and people who have donated, prayed, supported us, and have been a friend. That is no small thing... that is BIG!

Maybe it is just the "paper pregnancy" that people talk about. Or maybe it is something else. You see, when I was pregnant, I knew that they would never lack love, they would be raised knowing they were wanted, important, and that no matter what they did, I would always love them. But for children like Sydney and Lucien, they are not born into that kind of life. When they were born, their birth was not celebrated. They were not lavished with love and attention. Instead, Sydney and Lucien have spent almost a full year without a family. So maybe, that is why the tears.

Maybe it is because I see what a gift a family is. Maybe it is because I am so overwhelmed with happiness that these children will finally have a home, a family, and unconditional love. Maybe, because when you see those videos, those pictures, the love you see in the pictures, is over-flowing so much that it just pulls you in and fills you up until you feel overwhelmed with the love.
Hopefully, Monday, we will be getting a travel date. Then it will be our turn. We will go to Sydney and Lucien's country, and meet them for the first time. We will be sharing the pictures and videos with you. So forgive me when you see the pictures if I look like I have been crying, trust me, they will be happy tears.


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